Michael Soulé

Personal Readiness for Collaboration

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Personal Readiness

The integrity of a community or organization rests with the integrity of the individuals involved. Each individual has a responsibility to the community to continually develop themselves. They also have an opportunity to grow and develop through their relationships within the organization. The wisdom in a community is often spelled out in the covenants and agreements laid down over time through the experience of working together. In Building Regenerative Communities, Mary Christenson and Marianne Fieber identified an inspired set of  practices outlined by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Five Agreements, that help each individual bring their highest self to their work in the community.

They recommend that each participant become familiar with and practice the Five
Agreements outlined by Don Miguel Ruiz:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to
speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t take anything personally.
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t make assumptions.
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings,
sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely
transform your life.

4. Always do your best.
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are tired as opposed to well rested. Under any circumstance,
simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and
regret.

5. Be skeptical, but learn to listen.
Don’t believe yourself or anybody else. Use the power of doubt to question
everything you hear: Is it really the truth? Listen to the intent behind the words, and you will understand the real message.

As Don Miguel Ruiz says, “By practicing the Five Agreements, what you are really doing is respecting everything in creation. You are respecting your dream; you are respecting everybody else’s dream. If you use these tools, your effort is really for everyone, because your joy, your happiness, your peace, and your heaven are contagious. When you are happy, the people around you are happy too, and it inspires them to change their own world.”

~ Marianne Fieber

Reference

The Five Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz « Waking Giant Blog, http://wakinggiant.wordpress.com/2010/01/17/the-five-agreements-by-don-miguel-ruiz/

Michael Soulé

The Art of the Apology

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Everything you ever need to know about how to apologize

From The Perfect Apology (www.perfectapology.com/)

 Regret and Remorse

In order to really appreciate or understand the crucial role perfect apologies can play in our daily lives it helps to understand the differences between the mistakes we make and the apologies we deliver as a result—some actions we regret, while others we are truly sorry for.

We'll begin here by describing important distinctions between mistakes and actions that elicit feelings of regret and those that expose stronger feelings of remorse. Perfect apologies should be tailored to address one or the other type of mistake, in most cases.

Regret is a rational, intelligent and, on occasion, emotional reaction to some unexpected, unintended and often costly consequence of some event or action.

Apologies that expose feelings of regret are often designed to address the consequences of actions people have taken but wish they hadn't, or actions they have not yet taken but wish they had. We usually regret the consequences of relatively minor mistakes or errors and, given the option of revisiting the decision, would probably decide to do something else.

However, we also express regrets for the consequences of events over which we have very little control, or for actions that are intentionally taken for perfectly rational reasons but nevertheless produce unintended consequences—an apology from an airline to its passengers for cancelling a flight; an apology from a mechanic for charging much more than a customer expected for unforeseen repairs; an apology for having to fire someone because of poor job performance or incompetence; etc...

Companies often express regrets for the harm caused by their decision despite the fact that a similar decision would be taken in the future for the same reasons. For example, airlines often apologize for cancelling flights because of poor weather but would do the same thing under similar circumstances in the future. Decisions can be right even if the consequences for the customer are costly. In fact most business apologies take the form of addressing the consequences of one or another unavoidable yet regrettable event.

Regrets are typically amoral—there is no right or wrong associated with the actions; it's the consequences that matter (Miller 2005:83)1. In most of these cases the expression of regret through an apology is really secondary.

Remorse, on the other hand, takes on a bitter, deeper form that elicits much stronger personal and emotional reactions to personal guilt, societal shame, humiliation, resentment and often anger.

While regret is amoral and concerned with good versus bad consequences, remorse has more to do with right versus wrong actions2. Feelings of remorse are often caused by actions that constitute serious and painful errors of judgment and often draws out powerful compulsions to fix the mistake(s) through personal change and sacrifice.

Learn about remorse and self-forgiveness.

Or, review our selection of quotes on regret and our collection of remorse quotes.

 

Remorse, Self-Forgiveness and the Perfect Apology

According to wikipedia, forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of moving past feelings of resentment or anger against another person for some mistake they've made, or ceasing to demand some form of restitution or compensation.

We at Perfect Apology are agnostic about when and under what conditions people should accept an apology or forgive those responsible for hurting them—we certainly know how you should craft an apology to increase your chances of being forgiven, but we can't tell you when to accept an apology. These are very personal decisions that are never really open to useful advice or guidance.

For whatever reason, and despite delivering the perfect apology, some people are simply not prepared to forgive. But this fact should have no bearing whatsoever on whether one should take the time to craft a perfect apology. There are other reasons perfect apologies can help when working through a personal crisis.

For example, we often feel compelled to apologize when we humiliated someone else, but occasionally we need to apologize to those we hurt because we are humiliated by what we've done. Remorseful and humiliating errors produce uncomfortable feelings and personal doubts about who we are. They create negative images that directly contradict the primarily positive impressions we have of ourselves. Serious mistakes that elicit strong feelings of remorse force us not only to question our own character but also raise doubts about whether we actually deserve to be forgiven in the first place.

Self-forgiveness—the process of accepting the inevitability of mistakes by refusing to let them define us—is an important first step, and a perfect apology can go a long way toward helping us deal with these personal crises. In fact, successful apologies occur most frequently when we first forgive ourselves for the mistakes we've made.

Regardless of whether we are forgiven by others for our mistakes, therefore, the act of apologizing—of taking the time to craft an apology and suffering the consequences of delivering it—will help to re-establish a positive self image. That's why it's so important to take the time to do it right, because partial apologies will compound the crisis when they fail. Short cuts lead to failures that often make things worse; they do very little to resolve the crisis and even less to improve your own self image or the image others have of you.

On the other hand, a perfect apology that works will go a long way toward generating the positive feedback we need to manage our personal crises and related feelings of remorse and humiliation. If people we hurt are prepared to forgive us by accepting the apology and moving past our mistake, the message they're sending is that they value the relationship and respect your character.

The point here is that whether or not an apology works, taking the time to do it right by making sure your message includes ALL of the ingredients of a perfect apology will pay off in the end. It's worth the investment.

 

How To Apologize

How to apologize? What's the best approach to take? How do I say I'm sorry? These are questions we often ask ourselves when we are in a situation where we have offended or otherwise hurt someone.

An effective apology is both a Science and an Art.
The Science is basically the formula—what ingredients to combine under the right circumstances to produce the perfect reaction; that is to be forgiven.

The Art is in how you apply the Science—how you actually deliver the apology.  When you combine the science and art of an apology you inevitably get the right answer to the central question of "how to apologize?"
There are obviously many different ways to apologize, but the ideal approach for your case depends on your answers to three straightforward questions.

Who are you apologizing to? A family member (which one: mother, father, sister, brother etc.?) A member of your extended family? A spouse or lover? A good friend, girlfriend or boyfriend? A business contact or co-worker?  Etc...

How close is your relationship with this person? Is the relationship a romantic one? Is this a business relationship? Is it a distant, but important family relationship?

AND

How strained is your relationship as a result of the mistake?  How serious was the mistake? Apologizing to a close family member who has been seriously damaged because of something you said or did requires a different approach from one in which a friend has been hurt because of something you said or forgot to do.

There are two basic ways to deliver apologies. You can apologize in writing or verbally. In both cases you need to think through the apology to make sure that all the ingredients are present.

There are many variations in both written and verbal apologies but keep in mind these two key points when thinking about how to apologize.

A written apology gives the recipient the time to think about the situation and your apology, before responding.

A verbal apology requires that you be prepared for the conversation that will follow the apology based on the recipient's reaction whether it is positive or negative. So be prepared to think on your feet!


If the person is more of an acquaintance than a friend, and the infraction is minor, go with a more formal approach. Write a brief apology letter and send it to them by regular mail or email.

If this is a close relationship and the infraction is major, then take the person out for a coffee, lunch or dinner.

If the relationship is intimate then think about romantic ways to deliver the apology. If you decide that a letter of apology is the right way to go, make sure it is handwritten and not typed or sent by email. A verbal apology in this case should be done in person and not over the phone.

Visit our apology DOs and DON'Ts pages for some quick tips and secondary considerations.
Apologizing for many of us can be a difficult thing to do. However, our level of discomfort is usually relative to the offence.

Most of us have no problem saying "I'm Sorry" when we accidentally bump into someone on the street. In fact that type of situation is so common to us that the ensuing apology has become a reflex—an automatic response with natural timing. But what happens when we have to think about apologizing?

When we start to think about the apology, we also think about the behavior or actions that led up to it. As a result, our thoughts, emotions and pride become part of the mix and we often feel embarrassed and a sense of shame and discomfort with the situation which then translates itself into not knowing how to apologize.

The good news is, that if we messed things up all the time, we would know exactly what to say and how to apologize—just like we do when we bump into a stranger. The fact that we are not sure how to say sorry, means that most of the time our behavior is pretty much on track.

 

The Art of Apologizing

Apologizing is both an "Art" and a "Science". The Science is basically the list of ingredients you need to combine when crafting the most effective apology for your case.

A good analogy is a picnic basket. A picnic basket typically includes plates, glasses, cutlery, napkins, etc.—all of the ingredients we usually pack to prepare for (and hopefully experience) the perfect picnic.  This is equivalent to the Science of an apology.

The Art of an apology, on the other hand, deals with how you should package, present and deliver the ingredients in the picnic basket. Giving some thought to these surrounding elements can help make your personal apology more relevant and successful. This is why apologizing effectively really can be thought of as an art.

To illustrate our point, think again about giving the picnic basket as a gift. When selecting a gift, you inevitably think about who it's for and what kind of relationship you have.  You also think about the occasion or reason for giving the gift, and then decide on wrapping, presentation, and delivery.

Now let's look at each of these elements and see how they relate to the Art of Apologizing.

If the recipient is young, playful at heart and a good friend, you would likely choose a basket that came with plastic plates in their favorite colors and fun patterns with bold and bright glasses and funky cutlery.

However, if the person was more mature or conservative and your relationship with them more formal, then you might opt for a classic china pattern and clear glass tumblers and tea cups.

Of course, if the gift was for your girlfriend or boyfriend, then you'd probably look for something more personal with a romantic pattern on the plates and long stemmed wine glasses, perhaps with a rose or two.

The point is that the personality of the recipient (his/her likes, dislikes, values, personal preferences) and the relationship you with them all have an important affect on the style, presentation and delivery  for your gift, as they would for an apology.

The elements (ingredients) included in most picnic baskets are essentially the same, but there is still a great deal of room for choosing different types/styles/forms of the ingredients for the best picnic basket for your case.  Apologizing should be viewed in very much the same way, whether it's a personal or business apology.

In other words, although every apology should include the same elements, the level of playfulness, formality, or romance you bring to it should be dictated by the recipient, the relationship that you have with them, and the nature of the infraction.

With all this in mind, when apologizing always think about which words to use based on the person and your relationship, and the overall tone based on the infraction. The more serious the infraction the more serious the tone should be.

WARNING: Always err on the side of assuming the recipient views the infraction as serious.

Building on the picnic basket analogy, let's look at the occasion or reason for giving the gift. Is it a birthday? A college graduation? Valentine's day? Depending on the occasion, you may think of including some extra elements within the basket to make the gift a little more special.

For example, if it's a birthday you might want to add a few balloons, party hats and cupcakes to the basket. For graduation, perhaps a bottle of champagne and an agenda. For Valentine's Day, a small vase with a single rose and a heart shaped box of chocolates.

For a good friend, how about apologizing with a custom CD of songs about friendship. Or, for the more mature and traditional person whose feelings you may have hurt, why not a box of candy hinting that life is much 'sweeter' for you when they are a part of it.

And for your girlfriend or boyfriend, think about including a romantic poem, quotation, the lyrics from a favorite song, or maybe even some flowers.

Making an apology more thoughtful by adding things that tailor it to the recipient and the situation is an essential component of all perfect apologies.

 

 

Need the Perfect Business Apology?

Extending the perfect business apology can be slightly more complex than apologizing in our personal life. Regardless of how the apology is delivered, whether it be through a business apology letter or verbal communication, the basic principles are the same. However, the content of the apology itself, the timing, and the manner in which it is delivered really depends on the parties involved.


In business, there are simply more factors at play.
Although moral reasons exist equally for both personal and business apologies, strategic reasons for extending an apology are more common in business, and are based purely on business decisions.

Remember the old saying "the customer is always right"? This is a time tested customer service philosophy that virtually every successful company adheres to. What's the end result of such a policy?

A series of business apologies that are extended by a company or its representatives regardless of who is at fault. These are apologies that are offered for rational strategic reasons related to customer acquisition, customer retention, and customer loyalty.

However, when carefully crafted, the same end results can be achieved even when the company has made a mistake. On the other hand, a poorly crafted, badly timed or non-existent apology will lose this and many other customers.

In many cases, especially in regard to customer complaints, the perfect customer apology letter can help retain customers and present you with an opportunity to build customer loyalty.

Business is all about relationships—relationships with new customers, old customers, clients, vendors, and with the larger community. To understand how you can tailor an apology to strengthen or rebuild one of these relationships you need to look at your particular circumstances. And to do this well, the following three strategies will come in handy.

First, you need to look at the reason behind your business apology and who has been affected by the situation.

Second, you also need to determine the most appropriate way to apologize and when that apology should be given.

Third, you need to ask and answer the following four basic questions:

1.What are you apologizing for?
2.Who are you apologizing to?
3.How do you apologize?
4.When should you apologize?
Your answers to each of these questions will determine the perfect business apology for your situation, like “Vendor B” did in this sample business apology letter.
As for the apology itself, the guidelines for any perfect apology remain the same.

give a detailed account of the situation
acknowledge the hurt or damage done
take full responsibility
recognize your role or the company’s in the situation
include a statement of regret
ask for forgiveness
promise that it won't happen again
provide a form of restitution, if possible

Don't forget the importance of timing when delivering an apology AND beware of the common traps that many small businesses fall into.
When giving an account of the situation, only include the details of the specific event. In other words, do not talk about broader related issues. Remember that the apology is all about the recipient and the damage they have suffered, and not your business situation.

Don't make excuses or include any comments that could elicit a "that isn't my problem" type of response, as in "my assistant was home sick that day" or "I never saw the memo".

Finally, think about a proactive approach when apologizing to help solidify relationships with your customers. We show you how one airline, through an unprompted apology letter, leverages unforeseen problems to build on their loyalty program and strengthen their customer base.

You can also take a look at this masterfully crafted sample apology letter sent to us by one of our readers.

One final but important note: If the incident could result in ANY form of legal action or liability with ANY party then delaying a response to seek the legal advice of an attorney is VERY prudent. Learn more about the legal implications of a business apology.

Other interesting information on business apologies can be found in our apology research section or check out a Q & A session with thestreet.com on corporate apologies.

 

Is a Formal Apology Appropriate for the Intended Recipient?

Who are you apologizing to? Is a formal apology appropriate? Is the recipient of the apology a co-worker, boss, partner, customer, vendor, a company, or the community-at-large?

In the same way that we need to understand what we are apologizing for we also need to understand who we are apologizing to and whether a formal apology is necessary.

When dealing with apologies directed to other companies or to the community at large, a formal approach should always be taken. Whether it be a public apology or a through a business apology letter, the formality underscores the sentiment, reinforces the message, and conveys to the recipient that you are taking the situation seriously.

However, if the recipient of the apology is an individual then we need to examine the connection we have with them.

Are they purely a business contact? A co-worker? Our boss? Do we have any sort of personal relationship with them? If so, how long has it been? Historically, have our exchanges been more formal or friendly? What kind of personality do they have?

These are the types of questions that will help you to decide how formal the apology should be.

A rule of thumb to go by is the more distant the relationship the more formal the approach. A formal apology is also warranted whenever hierarchy is involved, for example, when apologizing to one’s boss or to an employee.

What if the employee or boss is also a friend?

Then a two-tiered approach can be taken. This will help to define the relationship as one of both business and friendship. So, a letter of apology should be written to satisfy the business side of things while a follow-up conversation will help to reestablish the friendship.

The personality of the recipient of the apology is another thing to keep in mind. If the person is normally shy or reserved and doesn’t like confrontation, take that into account. This type of individual would more likely appreciate receiving a note or letter rather than a face-to-face apology.

Knowing who you are apologizing to and understanding what kind of relationship you have will help determine the type of business apology required, how formal an apology it should be, and the manner in which to deliver it.

 

Business Apology Letters:
One of Many Ways to Apologize
What is the best way to apologize? Is it better to write a business apology letter, send a quick note or email, extend an apology over the phone, or speak in person?
The right judgment call will depend on your particular situation. In most cases, a well-crafted business apology letter is the best approach, especially when the relationship between the parties involved is not a 'personal' one.

A friendly warning: you should NEVER assume the relationship is personal and friendly unless you are absolutely sure.  An apology based on the wrong assumption can be potentially harmful and counterproductive.

Written apologies give you the time to choose the right words and allow you to make sure that all the 'pieces' of the perfect business apology are in place. In addition, archiving your own sample business apology letters on your computer allows you to quickly respond to similar situations in the future as they arise.

Finally, a written business apology can be sent three different ways, each conveying a slightly distinct (but meaningful) measure of seriousness and respect.

A priority post letter, for example, conveys more importance than regular mail, and regular mail more than an email.  Although the letter's content may be identical, and although all three approaches inherently highlight the seriousness of the situation by providing the injured party with a tangible piece of evidence that acknowledges mistakes and the inconvenience suffered, some situations require additional signals.

On the other hand, if the parties involved have more than strictly a business relationship then the manner in which the apology is delivered needs to be looked at more closely..

For example, if a customer frequents the business premises on a regular basis and a friendship (no matter how close) has grown as a result, then a verbal apology by phone or in person may be more appropriate. In fact, if a more formal approach is used it may signal to the customer that their assumptions about the nature of the relationship are wrong.

Choosing whether to apologize by telephone or in person is largely dependant upon timing and geography. Assuming the apology’s recipient is within reasonable geographic proximity the decision should be made based on when you will next see the person. In some cases, depending on the nature of the error, taking the time to make a longer trip in person may be the right thing to do.
If the delay is reasonable and the cause for the apology is not too severe then waiting until the next time you see one another is acceptable. However, if one or neither of these conditions is true then picking up the phone as soon as possible and extending the apology is recommended.

If a similar situation occurs, but the injured party in this case is not a customer but instead a partner or vendor, then the verbal apology is still appropriate and should be followed up with a business apology letter.

This two-tiered approach helps to re-establish the business relationship after the incident. It shows the injured party that you understand the rules and boundaries of business, and that the business relationship that you share is separate from any personal one that you may have.

So tailor the manner in which you deliver your apology with the same care that you would take in writing your business apology letters. Think about the situation and the parties involved. Consider the best way to make amends and how soon you should apologize.

Learn about timing an apology correctly.

 

Timing an Apology Correctly
When should you deliver the apology? How does timing an apology correctly affect the way it is perceived? Does every incident require immediate action or do some situations warrant a delay?

As we illustrated in the example of a typical customer apology letter, timing an apology correctly with a quick response to a business error can actually benefit the company and build customer loyalty. There are very few cases when it is best to hold off on apologizing, especially in business.

However, if the incident could result in ANY form of legal action or liability with ANY party then delaying a response to seek the legal advice of an attorney is VERY prudent. Follow this link to learn more about the legal implications of business apologies.

 

Apologies are about acknowledging a mistake or wrongdoing, and their effectiveness is largely determined by the offended party believing in their sincerity. Poor timing or a delay in delivering a perfect business apology could raise questions about your sincerity or imply ulterior motives. In either case, this is bad for business.

For example, "Company B" is a vendor of "Company A" whose last shipment of product was unsatisfactory. "Company A" advises "Vendor B" of the situation with a detailed account of the poor quality of goods they received. "Vendor B" holds off on delivering an apology for the substandard shipment.

How does timing an apology play into how the apology is perceived? How does the relationship between the two companies change as a result of poor timing?

"Company A" is now more likely to question the integrity of "Vendor B". Why did they not apologize and acknowledge the problems with their product when there is tangible evidence of defective goods?

Some of the likely conclusions that "Company A" will draw on "Vendor B" are:

 

The company has no long-term vision or integrity.
The company is only interested in making money.
The company does not care about the relationship.
The company cannot be relied on to deliver as promised.

Once "Company A" begins to think of "Vendor B" in these terms the dynamic of the relationship will have changed.

If the apology is issued too late, it will likely be viewed as insincere or, worse, as a shallow effort to de-escalate the conflict to avoid further action by "Company A". In the end "Vendor B" is seen as untrustworthy and, therefore, unworthy of future business.

However, a well timed apology in the same situation can produce significantly more positive (and profitable) results.

The apology is now more likely to be viewed as sincere.  As a result, the company will gain more trust and integrity while creating the impression it has long term vision.

Since dealing with problems is such a natural and important part of doing business, the perception created by a well timed apology will inevitably enhance the overall value of maintaining the business relationship.

See the sample apology letter that "Vendor B" would issue in this situation.

So given the same set of circumstances we now see that timing an apology correctly can make all the difference in how it, and the person or company extending it, are perceived.

 

From the PERFECT APOLOGY

http://www.perfectapology.com/regret.html

Michael Soulé

Feedback that Works

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A Feedback Model that Works

Knowing how to create and deliver effective feedback is a key leadership skill. Effective feedback motivates the receiver to begin, continue or stop behaviors that affect performance. In addition to accomplishing its direct purpose, an effective feedback message is a self-development tool for the receiver, and it often has benefits for other members of the team.

Not knowing how to give feedback can result in messages that are hurtful, confusing, and counter-productive. Many feedback messages leave the receiver unsure of what to do with the information. "You are good as a leader" or "you could be more strategic" gives the receiver an idea of how he or she is seen by the sender, but such a message doesn't tell the receiver what behavior to repeat if he wants to continue being a good leader or what to do or what action to avoid in order to be more strategic.

  • Effective feedback is based on observed behavior and tells the receiver the impact of a specific behavior on you.
  • Ineffective feedback often is vague, indirect, and exaggerated with generalities. Ineffective feedback often judges the person rather than his or her actions.

A valuable resource to illustrate this skill and provide a three-step technique is the guidebook Feedback That Works: How to Build and Deliver Your Message by Sloan Weitzel (available for purchase from the Center for Creative Leadership online at www.ccl.org.

Weitzel's feedback technique is called SBI (shorthand for Situation-Behavior-Impact). Following these steps can help the receiver more easily see what actions he or she can take to continue or improve performance or to change behavior that is ineffective or even an obstacle to performance. An effective feedback message tells the receiver the impact of a specific behavior on the sender. Here is an example of how to use the three-step model:

Step 1: Capture the Situation

("Yesterday morning in staff meeting,...")

Step 2: Describe the Behavior

("you had a number of side conversations and at times were joking during my presentation.")

Step 3: Deliver the Impact

("When you were talking to others while I was speaking, it was very disruptive to what I was trying to accomplish. I felt frustrated and annoyed by it.")

The recipient of well-intended and well-delivered feedback receives a two-fold gift. First, there is the almost immediate benefit of hearing what others think. Second, there is the afterlife of feedback. We often replay in our mind what we've heard, review written feedback privately at a later date, and check out perceptions with family and others we trust. Often we'll make some changes immediately and then make more significant changes with deeper reflection and consideration.

Constructive feedback is a most valuable tool — useful to repair a poor working relationship, improve a team's productivity, help a co-worker be more successful in his or her career, and demonstrate your own growing abilities as an effective leader. Yet, it is a skill many managers regard as underdeveloped. A recent CCL survey of managers showed that only 5 percent reported they were very effective in providing feedback; and 98 percent said they considered strong skills in providing feedback important or very important. More than half said they had the most difficulty giving feedback to bosses. Nearly 30 percent indicated that they find it most difficult to give feedback to peers.

Ask yourself if you consider yourself very effective in providing feedback. Next, consider if strong skills in providing feedback are important or very important to you. If you fall in the majority of managers who view effective feedback as important and regard their own skill level as needing improvement, put a higher priority on developing this essential leadership skill.

Working Dynamics™

Providing coaching, support and assessment tools related to conflict for leaders

http://www.workdyn.com/index.html

Michael Soulé

Healthy Conversation, Communication and Agreements: More Resources

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Communication by Connie Starzynski from the Art of Administration was written as a guide to administrators and Waldorf school leaders to shed light on the dynamics of communication of all kinds in a Waldorf school.

 Speaking, Listening and Understanding by Heinz Zimmerman is a book that goes deeply into the art of conversation in groups and how, by bringing new consciousness into our speaking and listening we can transform our work together.

A Sample Communications Covenant is a document showing how one community created and articulated their agreements about communications.

 Communication in a Young School from the Young Schools Guide is a short article by David Mitchell about the ways that groups involved in creating a school can focus their attention on the topic of healthy communications.

Non-Violent Communication: An Introduction by Marshall Rosenberg is a 35-page booklet that outlines the basics of NVC. Rosenbloom is the founder of the NVC movement and has helped thousands of people and organizations review, understand, refine and transform their skills in healthy communication.

Click on the article names to go to the document.

Michael Soulé

Remembering Marjorie Spock: LeadTogether Highlight #5, 9-15-14

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Dear Colleagues,

In doing research for the September Newsletter, I reconnected with Marjorie Spock's important booklets, "Group Moral Artistry: The Art of Community Building I and II." They have been a source of inspiration since 1986 when a colleague first shared them with me. While these little gems are available in our resource section, this week's highlight is about Marjorie herself. Last week (September 8) she would have been 110 years old. In 1922, at 18, Marjorie went to Dornach to learn eurythmy and study with Rudolf Steiner, an experience that inspired her life as a eurythmy teacher (at 100 she produced and directed a film on eurythmy), a biodynamic farmer (she was part of the inspiration for Rachel Carson's Silent Spring), a writer, and a teacher.

She was a true Michaelic warrior whose life and writing continue to fan the sparks of courage and initiative in the hearts of us all.

Click here for three short biographies of her remarkable life.

Keep in touch,

Michael Soule

Here is a quote from her.

“In a universe where all life is in movement, where every fact seen in perspective is totally engaging, we impose stillness on lively young bodies, distort reality to dullness, and make action drudgery. Those who submit - as the majority does - are conditioned to a life lived without their human birthright: work done with the joy and creativity of love. But what are schools for if not to make children fall so deeply in love with the world that they really want to learn about it? That is the true business of schools. And if they succeed in it, all other desirable developments follow of themselves. In a proper school, no fact would ever be presented as a soulless one, for the simple reason that there is no such thing. Every facet of reality, discovered where it lives, startles with its wonder, beauty, and meaning.”

Michael Soulé

Marjorie Spock: Eurythmy, Biodynamics, Waldorf Education, Anthroposophy

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 Below are three pieces about the life and work of Marjorie Spock.

 

Marjorie Spock

(September 8, 1904, New Haven, Connecticut – January 23, 2008, Sullivan, Maine) was an environmentalist, author and poet, best known for her influence on Rachel Carson when the latter was writing Silent Spring. Spock was also a noted Waldorf teacher, eurythmist, biodynamic gardener and anthroposophist.

Life

Marjorie Spock was born the second child and the first daughter of six children. Her older brother was Benjamin Spock, the world-renowned pediatrician and author of The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care.

At 18, Spock studied at the Goetheanum in Dornach, Switzerland where she met and worked with Rudolf Steiner, the founder of anthroposophy. She was present at the "Christmas Conference" of December 25, 1923 – January 1, 1924 when the Anthroposophical Society was refounded.[1]

When she returned to the U.S., Spock received her BA and MA degrees from Columbia University at the age of 38. She was a teacher and served as the head of a progressive school in New York City. She also taught at the Rudolf Steiner School in New York City and the Waldorf School of Garden City, New York. Spock worked closely with Ehrenfried Pfeiffer for the biodynamic agriculture movement in the U.S.

Environmental activism.

In the late 1950's, Marjorie Spock was a biodynamic gardener on Long Island, New York. Spock complained when the government began indiscriminate aerial spraying of DDT over wide areas of the countryside against the perceived gypsy moth epidemic. When the spraying was not stopped, Spock brought a case with 11 other people against the United States government for the continued DDT spraying.[1] For Spock, the concern was for people’s health and the constitutional right for a property owner to manage her land free of government infringement.

The Federal judge dismissed 72 uncontested admissions for the plaintiffs and denied their petition. When the case reached the U.S. Supreme Court in 1960, Spock wrote daily reports to interested and influential friends of the case's progress. Rachel Carson heard of Spock's case and soon got the daily reports. Carson used the testimony from the experts that Spock had found in her own research. Spock's case, along with a massive bird kill on Cape Cod, provided the impetus for Carson's book, Silent Spring.

The plaintiffs lost the case but won the right to enjoin the government, prior to a potentially destructive environmental activity, to provide a full scientific review of the proposed action. With this right to environmental review, Spock helped give rise to the environmental movement.

 Books

  • Teaching as a Lively Art
  • In Celebration of the Human Heart
  • Eurythmy
  • To Look on Earth With More Than Mortal Eyes
  • Fairy Worlds and Workers: A Natural History of Fairyland

Pamphlets and Articles

A Quote by Marjorie Spock

 “In a universe where all life is in movement, where every fact seen in perspective is totally engaging, we impose stillness on lively young bodies, distort reality to dullness, make action drudgery. Those who submit - as the majority does - are conditioned to a life lived without their human birthright: work done with the joy and creativity of love.

But what are schools for if not to make children fall so deeply in love with the world that they really want to learn about it? That is the true business of schools. And if they succeed in it, all other desirable developments follow of themselves.

In a proper school, no fact would ever be presented as a soulless one, for the simple reason that there is no such thing. Every facet of reality, discovered where it lives, startles with its wonder, beauty, meaning.”
― Marjorie Spock

In Memorium, Marjorie Spock, Eurythmist, Sept 8 1904 to Jan 23 2008

Marjorie Spock died peacefully Jan. 23, 2008, at the age of 103, at her home in Sullivan. Marjorie Spock was born Sept. 8, 1904, in New Haven, Conn., the second child, and first daughter, of six children.

The Spock family was prominent in New Haven, as her father was a corporate lawyer there and her older brother, Dr. Benjamin Spock, was later a world-renowned pediatrician, known through “The Baby Book,” which changed the way children were brought up and viewed, and known for his work against the Vietnam War. At 18, Marjorie went to Dornach, Switzerland, to meet and work with Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Anthroposophy. This had deep significance for her life, especially her study of the dynamics of human movement, through Eurythmy. After her final return to the U.S., she received her BA and MA degrees from Columbia University at the age of 38. During her studies, she began a prominent career as a teacher and the head of the Dalton Middle School and teacher at the Fieldston Lower School, both progressive schools in New York City. She also taught at The Rudolf Steiner School in New York City and The Waldorf School in Garden City, Long Island.

With her deep understanding of nature and as an avid Bio-Dynamic gardener, Marjorie’s work took on an added dimension when, in the area where she and her friend Polly Richards lived, on Long Island, N.Y., the government began aerial spraying of DDT against the perceived gypsy moth epidemic. She and Polly, who helped finance the legal action, brought a case with 10 other people against the United States government for the continued DDT spraying. Marjorie and Polly were formidable leaders for this commitment to the health of the earth. Organic, Biodynamic food was a life-saving matter for Polly, who was in ill health. For Marjorie, the concern was for her friend’s health, and the constitutional right as a property owner to keep her land, as she wanted it, free of government infringement.

This team was brilliant, committed and erudite. According to Marjorie, the “government ran roughshod over anyone who got in the way of the new technology. They brushed us off like so many flies.” The federal judge, appointed by President Eisenhower, threw out 72 uncontested admissions for the plaintiffs and denied their petitions. From the summer of 1957 to 1960, when the case reached the Supreme Court, Marjorie wrote a report to interested and influential friends of each day’s progress in and out of court, each evening after work.

Rachel Carson heard of this and soon got these daily briefings because she realized that the testimony from the experts that Marjorie had found, would be valuable for her own research. This case, along with a massive bird kill on Cape Cod, was the springboard for the writing of “Silent Spring.” The trial took only 22 days, and toward the end, Rachel Carson asked for the transcript. They became close collaborators and friends. Though the plaintiffs lost the case, they won the right to bring an injunction in court, so that prior to a destructive environmental event, a full and proper scientific a review had to be made. Marjorie always described it, saying, “We lost the battle but won the war.” This became the germinal legal action for the environmental movement in the United States. There has been continuous interest in this case since that time. Recently, Marjorie was interviewed for a documentary on Rachel Carson.

After the case, Marjorie moved to Chester, N.Y., where she farmed, bringing Biodynamic produce to a larger public. She worked closely with Dr. Ehrenfried Pfeiffer, the renowned soil scientist, and compost and farm adviser for Biodynamic movement. As a beloved destination since childhood, in 1965, Marjorie moved to Maine, where she lived and worked for the next 43 years as an inspiring teacher, eurythmist, author, Bio-Dynamic farmer, translator and mentor to the many people, young and old, who came to see her. Until last Thursday, she held a study group, which has been ongoing since 1965, and to which people came from all over the state. Visitors, from all over the world, and wonderful neighbors, were always heartily welcomed and experienced wide-ranging and deep conversations, wise counsel and humor.

Amongst Marjorie Spock’s writings are “Teaching as a Lively Art,” her master’s thesis; “In Celebration of the Human Heart;” “Eurythmy;” “To Look on Earth With More Than Mortal Eyes;” and “Fairy Worlds and Workers: A Natural History of Fairyland.” The two pamphlets, “Group Moral Artistry I: Reflections on Community Building” and “Group Moral Artistry II: The Art of Goethean Conversation,” have had a readership around the world. Her love and understanding of the mystery of language can be seen in her article, “A B C D E F G: The Secret Life of Letters."

Surviving Marjorie Spock are several nephews, grand nieces and Mary Morgan, the wife of Dr. Benjamin Spock.

In the 100th year of her life Marjorie produced, directed and choreographed a video about Eurythmy that was filmed at Hammond Hall in Winter Harbor, followed by two short training films at 101 and 102 years of age.

From Waldorf in the Home

 

Marjorie Spock

By William Jens Jensen

For the better part of a century, Marjorie Spock has had a beneficial influence on the development of anthroposophy in North America. She has been a eurythmist, a Waldorf teacher, and an active practi­tioner and advocate of biodynamics and community renewal. She has written several books and articles, including In Celebration of the Human Heart; Fairy Worlds and Workers; Teaching As a Lively Art; and Eurythmy. She has also translated several books, including Nutrition and The Nature of Sub­stance by Rudolf Hauschka.

Marjorie Spock was born in New Haven, Connect­icut, early in the twentieth century. At the age of eighteen, filled with excitement and plans to study dance and with no notion of anthroposophy or the arts associated with it, she traveled to Dornach, Switzerland. Only a year earlier, in 1921, while a counselor at a girls’ camp, the painting instructor there had spoken of a wonderful dance program in “Door Knock” (as she heard the name). She under­stood these words to mean “Knock and it shall be opened unto you,” and knew instantly that she needed to go there.

Except for brief interruptions, she spent much of her youth in Dornach. No doubt, she experienced many deep and lasting impressions during that time, and even first impressions can stir a desire for self-development. Marjorie Spock says that when she first saw the first Goetheanum she “thought it was the ugliest thing” she’d ever seen. Later, she heard that Rudolf Steiner had said that, for those who are still unable to perceive their own inner nature, “one’s whole stature as a human soul became clear to oneself when seeing the Goet­heanum for the first time.”

Later, she became seriously ill and was confined to Dr. Ita Wegman’s clinic. Around Christmastime, she was released for a brief time, and on that New Year’s Eve, she witnessed the complete destruction of the Goetheanum by fire. She said,

“I think that something in me burned up that needed to be burned up as I watched it. And, for the first time, I became truly interested in anthro­posophy. Up until that time, I had loved Eurythmy; now the whole seriousness of what was at stake there impressed itself on me, which I had not felt before. So I began to study anthroposophy in great earnest.”

The following year, at nineteen, she was able to attend the Christmas Conference, the series of meetings called to reorganize and renew the Gen­eral Anthroposophical Society. Although young and inexperienced in such matters, she neverthe­less sensed the significance of that event.

Around Christmas 1924, she returned to the U.S. and decided to support herself by working in an anthroposophical bookstore in New Haven. That work proved to be a tremendously valuable experi­ence— “After all,” she said, “I had a whole library of anthroposophy at my fingertips, and I read and studied with great seriousness during those years.”

After working in the bookshop for three years, she returned to Europe and studied for three years at the Eurythmy school in Stuttgart. Later, she went to Dornach, where she performed Eurythmy on the Goetheanum stage. During that time, she became familiar with Marie Steiner, who was actively involved in most of the Eurythmy rehears­als. “Frau Dr. Steiner was simply magnificent,” she recalls, “but rather unapproachable.”

When asked about her experience of Rudolf Steiner during that time, what she expressed was singular:

I looked at his head, and I looked at his hands as I sat in his lectures, and I had the feeling that his head was sort of a condensation of all he was speaking. And the words that he was saying were tremendously significant, although I can’t say that I remember more than a sentence of all the things that he said in those years. But there was one point where I remember his gesture and his words exactly, and that was when he expressed “the wake-up call to become a person of initiative.”

Looking back, I had the sense that he meant something completely different from what hap­pened. People in the society tried to become little Rudolf Steiners, and I felt that we needed to pull together and get an entirely new kind of feeling about community—in a truly Christian sense, really helpful to one another, spiritually and in every possible way—rather than indulging in all the criticism.

It’s incredible that people should not appreciate each other, because we are, each one, developing as individuals, each one developing a completely unique ability of some kind. But instead of look­ing upon this as an absolute treasure, we cut the ground out from under the feet of people. Largely this is what has happened.

Rudolf Steiner said that, if any group of people gets together with an ideal purpose, an archangel is assigned to that group to guide it. But I don’t think that can happen unless we have the right attitude toward one another.

When asked for her impression of Rudolf Steiner’s appearance, Marjorie Spock said, “he appeared very much like Abraham Lincoln.”

He looked as though he bore up most manly under the most terrible burden … but, of course, he had many warm personal relationships. My father came over to see him when I was in Dor­nach, and I was able to introduce him to Rudolf Steiner. When we departed this wonderful meet­ing, my father said first of all, “I think he liked me. I was surprised at the way he looked—he looked just like anybody else!” I took that to be a comple­ment to Rudolf Steiner to say that he looked like anybody else.

When she again moved back to the U.S., Marjorie Spock taught for five years at the Rudolf Steiner School in New York City. Later, she spent a year teaching in a school at the Hales community near the border of Maine and Canada. The community was involved in operating a dairy and vegetable farm on 12,000 acres of forest and lakes. They also had a “sensitive crystallization” laboratory, which was able to test the nutritional vitality of food.

She returned to New York, this time to Columbia University for a major in education. Having no college degree, the school administration gave her “nine hours of examinations in all subjects” to help determine where to place her.

Due to my studies of Anthroposophy and all the interesting things that Rudolf Steiner was always reporting, I was able to pass them all. The dean of admissions said to me that he didn’t “know of a single school in America that can match that”— especially considering that I had an IQ that was only just respectable.

As a result of those tests, the college awarded her credit for three years of college and allowed her into the post-graduate program. After two years, she received a master’s degree.

For the next five years, she taught at “two of the big progressive schools” in New York—the Ethical Culture School and the Dalton school (or “chil­dren’s university”). From there, she went on to teach Eurythmy for eight years at the Garden City Waldorf School. It was while living in Garden City that she began her lifelong passion for biodynamic agriculture, which led her and a friend to buy 140 acres of land in Upstate New York.

Living on their new farm, Marjorie Spock and her friend became interested in producing and selling organic vegetables, but their land was always being sprayed with pesticides—something that had also happened in Garden City. They decided that it “was absolutely essential to challenge this practice” by getting an injunction against spraying private lands. Although the suit, which reached the U.S. Supreme Court, was unsuccessful, it raised aware­ness of the issue and influenced the views expressed by Rachel Carson in Silent Spring. Even­tually, the courts decided that private lands could not be sprayed without the owners’ consent.

After Rudolf Steiner’s death in 1925, various diffi­culties and divisions arose in the Anthroposophical Society, which led Marjorie Spock to write two articles on community building, later published under the general title of “Group Moral Artistry.” They have been widely circulated ever since— especially among young people according to the author. One of the articles, “The Art of Goethean Conversation,” was included in the recent edition of Goethe’s Green Snake and the Beautiful Lily (see page 74).

Marjorie Spock’s most popular book these days is Fairy Worlds and Workers. It is a sensitive, imagina­tive exploration of nature’s inner beings—its Little People, the elementals, the Middle Kingdom. She says that her feeling for the natural world of fairies arose not clairvoyantly but from her connection with the earth as a farmer and gardener. That feel­ing is an ability to read certain signs of nature and to hear what it is asking for.

Today, Marjorie Spock remains active—indeed, an activist. She participates in an anthroposophical study group, she writes, and she enjoys nature, people, and the world around her. Her spirit shines brightly through her words, her sense of humor, and in her concern for our future as human beings and anthroposophists.

 

Michael Soulé

New Meeting Forms: LeadTogether Highlight #3 9-1-2014

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Dear Colleagues,

In our latest newsletter we explore ways to plan and prepare for meetings. But are there different ways to meet that facilitate maximum involvement and exchange of ideas? World Café and Open Space are two relatively new ways of meeting that can do this . Here is a description of both of the meeting formats and some tips on how to make them a successful part of your organization meeting life. These and other ideas about successful meetings found in our resource library are from a new booklet, Building Regenerative Communities, compiled by Mary Christenson and Marianne Fieber. This helpful new booklet is available free in our resource section, thanks to the authors and the Mid States Shared Gifting Group. (click here for the article)

Keep in touch.

Michael Soule

LeadTogether

Michael Soulé

New Meeting Forms: Open Space and World Cafe

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Excerpt from Building Regenerative Communities: Open Space and World Café. (download the whole booklet here)

Open Space This is an open form of meeting where passion and responsibility are combined to empower participants by allowing agenda topics to arise from the group. A facilitator is only visible when the meeting needs re-opening. There are a series of laws or principles to consider with an “open space” meeting. Two of these are:  The law of two feet: If you find yourself in a situation where you are neither learning nor contributing, move somewhere where you can. This is a law like the law of gravity. You can choose to notice it or not, but it's safer just to notice it.  The four principles: Whoever comes are the right people; whatever happens is the only thing that could have happened; when it starts is the right time; and when it’s over, it's over. These aren't prescriptive—they are the results of thousands of little experiments. The link below will take you to further explanations about Open Space. http://www.openspaceworld.org/cgi/wiki.cgi?OpenSpaceExplanations ~Marianne Fieber

The World Café Using seven design principles and a simple method, the World Café is a powerful social technology for engaging people in conversations that matter, offering an effective antidote to the fast-paced fragmentation and lack of connection in today's world. This approach to conversation creates several smaller, intimate groups within a larger group to discuss one question, thereby giving more people an opportunity to dialogue. Based on the understanding that conversation is the core process that drives personal, business, and organizational life, the World Café is more than a method, process or technique. It's a way of thinking and being together sourced in a philosophy of conversational leadership. http://www.theworldcafe.com/tools.html

Michael Soulé

Building Regenerative Communities: Strength in Collaboration

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From the Introduction

Our intention in creating the guide is to facilitate conversations which promote deeper understanding, trust and community within and between organizations. We feel that such interaction may lead people to discover ways to collaborate that foster associative endeavors, perhaps discovering ways to share resources to support each others work.

The Guide provides a starting point for calling a circle and highlights a variety of tools from which to choose for setting up conversations. It contains several case studies which provide the content to initiate conversation. There are additional web, print and video resources to inspire and urge participants into deep discussion around themes of regenerative communities, associative economics and cultural renewal.

It is given freely and may be shared broadly. It may be posted on websites to encourage its availability.  ~ Mary Christenson and Marianne Fieber, June 2014

Download the guide here:   Building Regenerative Communities_Conversation and Resource Guide.final

Michael Soulé

How Spiritual Organizations Develop – LeadTogether Highlight #4 9-8-14

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Dear Colleagues

What are the natural developmental phases of spiritually based communities and organizations? Bernard Lievegoed, one of the early leaders of organizational development work and long-time Director of the Anthroposophical Training Organization, NPI, in Holland, wrote “ The Developing Organization" in 1973 in which he outlined the phases of development of organizations. In 1988 he offered a new booklet to clarify his thoughts about the difference between the phases that economic businesses and educational institutions go through. Lievegoed offers that spiritually focused organizations involved in human development don’t follow the typical phases of pioneer, administration and integration, but develop in a much more organic fashion, from their early development through growth and into maturity. This booklet, “Institutions of the Spiritual Life” provides insights to better understand how the growth and development of our institutions unfold over time. We have added the booklet into our resource collection for you. (We've put it into a format so you can print it out as a booklet.)   Find it here.

Keep in touch.

Michael Soule

 Keep in touch, Michael Soule LeadTogether